Happy Mother’s Day?
Mother’s Day—such a sweet day set aside to honor all the mothers in the world! Many celebrate it with a special brunch or by taking their mom out to a nice restaurant. Cards are bought, flowers are given, and moms end the day (hopefully) feeling recognized and appreciated for the amazing job they do at being a mom. This day also can bring a sense of sadness, pain, and loss for some. People who have lost their mom can feel a sense of grief as they realize they can’t buy her another card or take her a bouquet of flowers anymore. People that have never had children for some reason or another can feel regret or sadness for the babies they never had. Maybe some people are grieving an estranged relationship with their mom who abandoned or abused them. All of these situations are valid and can bring pain instead of the joy that so often comes along with this sweet day.
I fit into another category of women who are mothers but—in my fragile mind sometimes I think—have nothing to show for it. I have had the pleasure of carrying a sweet little baby nestled safely in my womb. I got the positive pregnancy test that so many long for. I got to excitedly tell my family and close friends that they were going to be grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. My husband and I got to start planning for the future with a baby in mind. I even made a Pinterest board full of baby dreams and ideas! But it wasn’t safe enough for my baby to stay. At eight weeks, I lost this precious life. It wasn’t an overly traumatic miscarriage physically. I didn’t bleed for days or have to get a D&C. It was over within a week, but the mental and emotional loss of this precious life has never truly gone away.
Mother’s Day was my baby’s due date seven years ago. I have found this to be a cruel irony over the years. First, that I am a mother but have empty arms and an empty womb, and second, that on the day that is all about honoring mothers, I have no child to show for it. My baby should have been growing and learning and changing through the years. Instead, I mark this day with sadness and a tremendous sense of loss. Questions run through my head on this day: Why will I never get to hold my baby on this earth? Why, if motherhood is such a high calling, am I not good enough for the task? Why do women who don’t even want their babies get to be the “Fertile Myrtle”? When will it be my turn to hold my own baby in my arms? Will I ever get to raise kids with my husband? God, why are You so far from me? Do You even hear me or care what I’m going through?
Many churches have a special gift honoring the mothers among them. My church is no different. All of the mothers stand and are brought a flower by the children in the congregation. It is a wonderful way to show the moms in our church that we love them and are thankful for them. I always thought of it as a kind of rite of passage to be able to stand and be honored in that way. I haven’t gone to that service since I lost my baby over seven years ago. Not because I don’t want to honor the moms of my church but because I know in my heart that I AM a mom but don’t feel right standing to receive a flower. Now before everyone chimes in that Abby, you are a mom, Happy Mother’s Day please don’t. I don’t want pity. I don’t want to be reminded by other people that I am a mom. What joy is there in being a mom when I have nothing to show for it? Oh dear, you are getting a glimpse into my crazy, grief-stricken brain!
What will I do today instead? I usually get up early and write in my journal another entry about being a mom but not having a baby this year. Then Josh will get me a Mother’s Day card and flowers. We will go for a drive to a pretty park and get coffee (unsweetened iced tea for me please!) and an apple fritter. We will sit on a bench and eat our yummy pastries and look out over the gorge. Maybe we will talk, maybe we won’t. Josh is really good about making me laugh. Then we will go home and celebrate my mom with a nice lunch with most of my family. It will be a good day.
I want to make sure to recognize my own mom in this entry. I know it is such a blessing to be able to have a mom to honor on Mother’s Day. I am beyond thankful for my mom, Sydney Dee who, in my opinion, is the best mom in the entire world. She gave us kids an amazing life growing up. She made our everyday life fun, dreamed along with our many crazy dreams, and pointed us to Jesus. These past several months have been the worst of our family’s life, but Mom has gone through it with grace through the immense grief and suffering she has endured. When I grow up, I hope to be like my mom!
God is good to me. Even when I don’t feel that He is working how I want Him to, He is good. Even if I never have a child on this earth, I choose to love and serve Him with my life. Thanks for sticking with me as I process the emotions of this day. I hope that no matter which category you fit into of people on Mother’s Day, you will have a good day. Where I sit in Western NY, the sun is shining, the sky is a brilliant blue, and my lilacs are blooming outside my window. It’s a blessing just to be alive today. Get out and enjoy your day, wherever you are.
Until next time,
Abby